Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
