I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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