Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i already hear my dad disowning me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she smelled like a LAN party
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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