My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
