i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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