the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
