and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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