the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
