im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize