just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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