bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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