I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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