Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
