So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
