I just cut my nipple shaving
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
