he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
