he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
