peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
