THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
