when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
