If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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