$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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