So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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