Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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