I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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