My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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