i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
