You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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