Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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