Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
