if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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