quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
