just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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