I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
