whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
