I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
