nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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