I'm lost and stupid without you.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
