Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize