Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
