I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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