connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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