i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dick very happy bro
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need to align my fucking chakras
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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