Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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