I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
