I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
