if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
