sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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