if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
