you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
