I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
