You don't have asthma, your pregnant
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think people are normalizing furries
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
