Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
