I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
