So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
