Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
