sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
