ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
