Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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