I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
